Foreplaying your Foreplay

You’ve been thinking about sex all day; the last thing you want is another night where you and your partner don’t connect in the way you need. How might you be contributing to creating an evening where sex isn’t appealing? Could you change your nightly routine to ensure you’re getting the sex you desire?

Some nightly habits may seem natural to you in order to get ready for bed, but may not help you get sex. By reading this tip, you are already on your way to getting ready for bed and sex. The first list consists of some habits that you may do before bed without thinking, but unfortunately they may not be helping you get the sex you want that night.

  • Go to bed at a different time than your partner
  • Take your work to bed
  • Turn the television on
  • Allow your pet in the bedroom, or worse, in the bed
  • Allow your children to sleep with you (if you co-sleep, are you willing to put your child to bed and have sex in a different room?)
  • Wear your favorite sweatpants (you know the ones with the holes in them)
  • Sleep with clothes on
  • Exhibit poor hygiene- for example, don’t brush your teeth; wash your face; not cleaning your body, particularly your genitals
  • View bed as just a place to sleep
  • Make yourself unavailable for an emotional connection
  • Eat foods that may cause indigestion later on (Mexican, Indian, Lactose…)
  • Eat so much food that you feel bloated and full
  • Eat acidic foods, such as asparagus that cause you to taste differently
  • Talk about how unattractive you feel; embellish your insecurities
  • Go to the bathroom with the door open to the bedroom
  • Say something that you know your partner doesn’t appreciate
  • Get too drunk
  • Get out of bed because you thought of something that needs to get done right that second
  • Be separate from your partner all day with no quality time
  • Get out of bed before your partner in the morning
  • Being exhausted
  • Have dirty sheets or unkempt bedding
  • Chaotic bedroom with distractions
  • Cuddle up to yourself and/or turn to the opposite side
  • Over exercise, making yourself exhausted (remember sex takes physical energy)

Take a moment to evaluate and see how many of the items on the list above are applicable for you. Occasionally, people sabotage their own sex life and don’t even realize it. The above list is to help you become more aware of times when you could be interfering with your sex life. By all means eat your favorite foods or wear what is comfortable. However, understand that you may not be doing your best to set the mood for having sex. If you want to have sex, chances are that making a conscious effort to get it will be more beneficial for you than just hoping for the best.

Now that you have learned what could lead to not getting sex, let’s look at what could help in getting sex.

  • Go to bed at the same time as your partner. By going to bed together you are promoting having sex due to just being in the bedroom at the same time. If you wait to finish that last email or catch that last episode of your favorite show your partner may already be asleep, thus missing your opportunity to have sex
  • Leave your work outside of the bedroom; this opens you up to having a conversation with one another that can make you more available emotionally. Feeling connected on an emotional level opens you up to becoming close on an intimate level. Turn the television off, close your book, turn off your electronics, and have a one-on-one conversation
  • Put your pet’s bed in a different space of the house or at the very least put your dog on the floor and not in the bed with you. This prevents your pet from getting in the middle of you and your partner
  • Put your children in their own bed; for those who are co-sleeping give yourself permission to have sex in a different room once your child is safely asleep
  • Put something special on, wear your partner’s favorite color or something you know they enjoy you in or go to bed naked
  • Take care of yourself- brush your teeth; wash your face; smell clean; shower- maybe ask your partner to join
  • Show that you appreciate your partner; compliment your partner on something they did that day, how good they look, how special they make you feel, how special they are to you
  • Eat a clean diet, foods that will leave you feeling comfortable, healthy, and sexy
  • Eat in moderation, don’t overeat so that you are too full and uncomfortable
  • Allow your partner to see your body and trust that they want to have sex with you, you are a prize
  • Boundaries can be good for relationships, your partner doesn’t need to see you using the toilet or pulling out your nose hairs. Doing these activities can add to the intimacy and closeness, but it depends on who your partner is. Starting a conversation about what turns you and your partner on could ensue to bring you closer and help you discover how your partner defines intimacy
  • If you have an outing where you are drinking, drink in moderation
  • Text/call your partner throughout the day to let them know how badly you want them. Again this is an opportunity to have a conversation with your partner about what they want/enjoy throughout their day. Some people may be so busy they don’t want to talk to you until they see you at night
  • Use coded language, sometimes sex talk can be too intense and asking for it directly is a turn off
  • Touch them sensually throughout the evening. Sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom, you have to set the stage
  • Do some favors or actions that evening that you know your partner likes. Know what your partner’s needs are from you. Some people need service based favors, others need emotional support
  • Take a power nap so that your energy level is up. Push through being tired or agree to do it in the morning, no excuses
  • Use dramatic motions such as seductively closing the bedroom door
  • Play seductive music that evening
  • Make time for quality time prior to having sex, make your partner feel cared for
  • Let your partner know you are thinking of them by doing something special that day
  • Take care of yourself; go to the gym or that yoga class you’ve been putting off. Encourage your partner to do so as well. When you feel better about your body you’re more willing to show it off intimately.
  • Set your bedroom up to be calming and lacking chaos, i.e. soft lights, candles, comfortable bedding and room temperature, de-cluttered
  • Cuddle up to your partner

Though it may be easy to think that sex is automatic, it just isn’t. Adapt the strategy you had when you first started dating and plan out your days. As your life gets busier and your days longer, it is important to be intentional with your actions. Simple tasks throughout your day can be helpful in bringing you and your partner onto the same page so that sex can “naturally” happen. Make a commitment that you will prioritize one another. Have your partner read over these lists with you and use this as an opportunity to evaluate what you and your partner need to do so that you have the time and energy to reach your top priorities, whatever they may be. Discuss what is really pertinent to each of you and what really matters and then, adapt your behaviors to promote your end goal(s).