Sexual Communication Technique

Sexual Communication Technique Exercise: Communication in the bedroom is a critical to achieving intimacy. The Sensate Focus Technique Exercise developed Masters and Johnsons was designed to increase personal and interpersonal awareness of self and the other’s needs. In this exercise lovers are encouraged to take turns paying increased attention to their own senses. 

At the Center for Growth /Sex Therapy in Philadelphia, we have expanded on the Sensate Focus exercise by adding an educational component teaching clients specific communication techniques that may not intuitively occur for lovers during sex.

This expanded sensate focus exercise is progressive and broken into 7 primary stages. Lovers are encouraged to not move on to the next stage until success has been achieved.  We encourage couples to repeat each stage several times simply because couples benefit from practice.  The more you practice the better your love making skills will become.

Stage 1 of the Sexual Communication Exercise:  the back massage:
Couples are asked to give each other a back massage. To do so, we ask couples to set aside 1-2 hours.  The back massage should be given / received naked. However, if the lack of clothes is too distracting than each person can wear clothes.  Ideally, couples should do this sexual communication exercise in the a clutter free bedroom that is free from distractions. The television, computers and cell phones should be turned off.  The room temperature should be comfortable.  And if children are in the house they should be fast asleep.

The purpose of stage one is to become comfortable using all of the different types of sexual communication styles without the pressure of being “too sexual.”  Typically this exercise is given by a sex therapist to her client(s) within the first one or two sessions as a way to assess a couple’s communication style and as a way to expand upon the sexual intimacy skills that the clients already have.

The back massage is broken into five minute segments.  We have included 14 different 5 minute segments.  We recommend that you only complete 4-6, five minute massage segments in any one day.  Each time you practice you can swap out different five minute segments.

  1. Five minutes of touching your partner in whatever way turns you on. This type of touch is supposed to help you practice selfish touch.  It is OK if your partner hates the type of touch you give. The goal is to explore what type of touch turns you on. The receiving partner is supposed to be completely silent.  Selfish touch helps the giver become aware of his or her own desires.  Additionally, because the receiver knows this touch is for her partner’s pleasure there is less pressure to “respond”. Thus the receiver can relax and have any type of experience warranted by the touch.
  2. Five minutes of touching receiver in whatever way you think will turn him/her on. The only goal of the giver is to please the receiver.  The goal of the giver is to remember all of the receivers feedback / wish list and to attempt to incorporate all the past sexual knowledge learned about your partner’s sexual likes and dislikes.  Past sexual experiences with this person should inform your choices of how you give.  The receiving partner throughout this five minute massage should be completely silent.  The true goal of this type of touch is to help the giver separate what turns him on versus his partner. Understanding the similarities and the differences between what type of touch is enjoyable to give versus receiving is helpful to becoming a better lover. Good sex often requires a level of flexibility. Lovers likes and dislikes often vary from person to person. Turn taking is a basic skill required in all relationships.
  3. -Five minutes of the Moan-Groan Game: If the receiver of the back massage is enjoying the giver’s style of touch, he/she needs to moan or groan. Louder noise signals increased enjoyment. If the receiver is uncomfortable making sexual noises, try mooing like a cow, or clucking like a chicken.  This segment is geared to helping the receiver get in touch with the power of sound.  Not only does sound increase one’s personal level of excitement, but the literal noise has the potential to be an additional communication signal that the giver might be able to read, thus, creating a more “talented” giver.   Because receivers are encouraged to practice making a wide range of sounds, this exercise can be funny.
  4. However, if the lack of clothes is too distracting than each person can wear clothes. Five minutes of the Body Movement Game: The giver should try to please the receiver in bed. If the receiver is enjoying the touch, then he/she should use his/her body to try to communicate the positive reactions. For example, if the touch is too hard, the receiver should try to shift his/her body away from the touch. Throughout this section of the massage, the receiver must be completely silent.   Again, a “good” receiver is incredibly theatrical and exaggerates all positive and negative responses. And a “good” giver is paying attention to how the gift is being received.
  5. Five minutes of the A-B Game: The giver should touch the receiver two different ways. The first touch is called choice A. The second touch is called choice B. The giver than asks the receiver which type of touch the receiver preferred.  The receiver chooses his or her preferred type of touch.  The giver then repeats the preferred touch, and calls that choice A, and creates a new choice B for the receiver to again choose from.  In this game, the receiver is always making a forced choice.   The A-B feedback can be especially useful because the guess work of how touch is being received is gone.  The receiver always is forced to have a preference.  Additionally, the giver can switch up the type of pressure, or the location or the speed to better understand the nuances. Additionally, the receiver can state preferences without fear of hurting the giver’s feelings because both can be liked.
  6. Five minutes of sexy talk:  The giver talks sexy while touching the receiver in a way that is pleasurable to him. The giver might say, “I am happy simply giving you pleasure.  Close your eyes and relax” Or maybe the giver is saying “Watching you get wet is turning me on.”  The receiver simply accepts.
  7. Five minutes of dirty talk:  The giver while attempting to pleasure the receiver through a massage combines talking with touch.  Use “dirty talk” like “your cunt is all wet” or “I want your cock inside of me.” The receiver simply accepts.
  8. Five minutes of sexual fantasy talk: The giver is creating a fantasy role. Maybe he is a doctor operating on a patient. Or the two of you are lovers on a sinking ship. Whatever the plot line is, make it creative.    The receiver simply plays along and gets into role. Getting into role may require may require talking, changing positions etc. The focus is on the role play. The touch is secondary.
  9. Five minutes of sexy directions: the receiver must choose a style of sexual talk and direct the scene from the receiving role.
  10. Five minutes of guided touch: The receiver should use her/his hands to try to guide the givers hands. For example, if the woman is giving a hand job, the guy should take his hands and put it over the woman’s hands to try to show her how he likes a hand job. Again, the receiver is not allowed to user his/her voice. She/he must be completely silent.
  11. Five minutes of verbal directions. The receiver should direct the giver for the next five minutes to touch her/him any way that feels good.  The benefit of words is that the sexual information (or in this case back massage) can be quickly communicated.
  12. Five minutes of the giver giving a variety of types of touch. The types of touch could be based on past knowledge about the receiver’s sexual likes or dislikes.  Additionally, the types of touch given could be an attempt to bring in a range of emotions / reactions such as silly, provocative, sexy, sad, uncomfortable, distracted, slightly off etc.  With each type of touch, the receiver receives, he or she will tell the giver his or her technical feedback as well as an emotional reaction to the type of touch and why that feeling is evoked.  Included is a series of conversation starters.
  • From a technical perspective, what I liked about that touch is
  • The change I would like you to try to make is
  • The touch you just gave makes me feel safe because
  • The touch you just gave makes me get turned on because
  • The touch you just gave makes me start to shut down because
  • The touch you just gave makes me happy because
  • The touch you just gave makes me sad because
  • when I am touched this way my mind starts to wander to
  • when I am touched this way I find myself fantasizing about
  • I preferred the last time of touch more because
  • The overall mood that I am in at this moment as we start this five minute segment is
  • The difference between the two types of touch is that the first one makes me start to feel aroused, the second one puts me in a more _______space
  1. Five minutes of the giver telling the receiver what made them easy to give to.
  2. Five minutes of the receiver telling the giver what she/he enjoyed and why.


After the couple completes at 4-6 five minute segments of touch, switch roles. The giver becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver. Then have the following conversation:

  • Did you prefer being the giver or the receiver and why?
  • When did you get the best feedback?
  • When was your partner most responsive to your feedback?
  • What was your partner’s favorite type(s) of touch?
  • What was your partner’s least favorite types of touch?
  • When were you most comfortable?
  • When were least comfortable?
  • What is the area that you believe you need to grow into most?


Repeat the above exercise three times.  Try to use all 14 types of giving / receiving. Each segment is geared towards teaching couples a wider comfort in utilizing the many forms of sexual communication.  The purpose of repeating the exercise three times is that practice makes perfect!  Remember, people’s likes and dislikes change depending upon their mood, the order of the type of touch and what else is happening in the individuals / couples world.  People’s likes and dislikes are fluid. What is liked one days is not necessarily true the next day.  Desires and reactions evolve over time.  This exercise helps people begin to develop a sense of their partner’s likes and dislikes as well as how to give / receive feedback.  Completing this exercise several times, will help lovers gain a better appreciation for the other person’s style of communication.

 Stage 2- Stage 7

 Stage Two: repeat the exercise giving a full back massage.

Stage Three: repeat the exercise giving a full front massage — no nipples or genitals.

Stage Four: repeat the exercise focusing on the breasts & chest. Hint: do not focus on the nipples. 35 minutes of pure nipple stimulation will turn most people off.

Stage Five: repeat the exercise focusing on the genitals, using manual stimulation (hand job / digital stimulation).

Stage Six: repeat the exercise focusing on the genitals, using oral stimulation of the genitals.

Stage Seven: repeat the exercise focusing on intercourse. Instead of having a Giver / Receiver, imagine one person being in control, and the other person in a passive role.

To achieve success in getting the most out of the Sexual Communication Technique Exercise follow our Golden Rules

  • If the person gets close to orgasm, stop, and let the person ‘cool off.’
  • Wait at least two hours after completing this exercise before attempting to achieve orgasm or engage  in intercourse.
  • Practice, practice and more practice. Have fun.