Why You Should Make Time for Yourself in Your Sex Life…
Starting a new relationship can be CONSUMING, in both a wonderful way and an overwhelming way at times! Newly intimate individuals typically dive in head first and forget to come up for air, sound familiar at all? Maybe you still find yourself feeling this way even if you’ve been in a committed relationship or married for some time now… sex life for many couples ebbs and flows naturally. But how come it’s so common to toss away with your own solo sexual practice or rituals after getting into a relationship?
There’s a common misconception of couples feeling they’d be doing something “wrong” if they continued masturbating while dating or after they’ve been married. Some might fear offending their partner, as if solo pleasure must mean they aren’t satisfied in their sex life with their partner(s). Others might say they would feel “guilty,” equating masturbation to cheating on their significant other(s). Another common anxiety might be that masturbation could encourage porn or fantasizing about someone outside of their relationship (Although, there is benefit to this too sometimes! Keep reading to find out!) There are so many common fears and anxiety traps people can fall into when thinking about this idea.
The idea being… what if you were to balance your partnered sex life with solo sex? And what if this could actually benefit not just you, but your intimate relationships too? Research actually tells us that if you continue prioritizing your solo pleasure while in a relationship, it can actually increase how frequently you are having partnered sex AND make that sex more satisfying. This is likely because masturbation helps you get more comfortable with our own body and in return, can help you connect to our own sexual needs, preferences, and desires. So if you are more comfortable with yourself and sexual needs, it’s more likely for you to feel more comfortable advocating for those needs in your relationship or showing your partner(s) what feels good. There are many other benefits to continuing masturbation while married or in committed relationship(s)! The list goes on…
A common topic of conversation in relationships is the frequency of sex. Since everyone has a different sex drive, it’s likely you have a different sex drive than your partner does. Which can be frustrating at times, right? Solo pleasure can really help the partner with a higher sex drive feel more sexually satisfied and provide some relief to all parties involved. Including the partner with a lower sex drive, this might take some pressure off the other partner(s) if they’re feeling shame or guilt for not matching their partners’ sex drive/desire.
If you’re still wondering about how porn and fantasy could possible benefit your partnered sex life, glad you’re still reading along! Porn being used for solo sex can be healthy exploration for what might feel good in the bedroom or in real life. In other words, it’s a simple way to learn more about your partner(s) fantasies! It also gives you or your partner(s) more access to diverse sexual content such as kinks, sexual positions, identities, sexuality, and the human body. By welcoming this into your solo sex practice, or even by having this conversation with your spouse/partner about your fantasies, solo pleasure, or porn usage, could be a way to spark things up in the bedroom…
So now you might be wondering, “ok but how do I actually begin to make time for myself in my sex life? And how do I discuss this with my partner?” What role could masturbation play in your sex life? For starters, sharing this article with them and asking them what they’re thoughts are could be a great place to start! Follow up with them and ask if this is something they’d be willing to have a conversation about? When broaching this topic with them, below are some questions to ask your partner/spouse (and for them to ask you!) that could help discussion flow…
*What did your solo pleasure habits look or feel like before dating or marriage? What is solo pleasure like for you currently?
*Do you ever watch porn or fantasize when masturbating? What kind of porn do you like AND dislike, and why? How would you feel if I watched porn? Do you ever want to watch together?
*What’s your biggest fear if I masturbated on regular basis? Does this bother you and why?
*How would you describe your sex drive? How frequently do you desire partnered sex? How does it make you feel if I desire a different frequency?
*How does it make you feel to have this conversation with me? How does it feel to imagine me masturbating?
*How do you think solo sex could benefit our sex life?
*Do you have any interest in mutual masturbation?
This discussion could go many directions. Lets leave you with some gentle reminders for having a productive conversation with your partner/spouse… Be patient and practice active listening, this might not be a conversation someone is totally “on board” with right away and that’s ok to give this some time or thought. However, if this conversation is productive and all parties leave feeling excited about this idea, maybe begin discussing specifics and get organized about when, where, and how frequent you or your partner will want “me time” to make room for yourself in your sex life!