Non-Monogamy

Non-Monogamy

Non Monogamy Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for a sexual and/or romantic occurrence or relationship happening during an already existing sexual and/or romantic relationship or a relationship style where one chooses not to be in a monogamous relationship.

Consensual Non-Monogamy (I.e. Polyamory, Open Relationships, Polyfidelity, Swinging, Casual Sex, Threesomes, Polygamy, etc) Many relationship styles provide frameworks for non-monogamy to be consensual. In some circumstances (i.e. casual sex) there is an explicit understanding that the sexual and/or romantic event occurring is not going to end in a monogamous coupling. In others (i.e. polyamory, open relationships, etc) there is an understanding that the non-monogamy will occur in such a way as to value and keep intact a primary partnership(s).

Partnered Non-Monogamy Although what consensual partnered non-monogamy looks like in each relationship may vary, there are several factors which can be kept in mind when consensual non-monogamy is desired:

  • Types of Activity: What kinds of sexual and/or romantic activities (i.e. kissing, intercourse, love, etc) are acceptable outside the partnership.
  • Disclosure about Liaisons: Whether or not partners will discuss outside liaisons that occur, and/or if disclosure should occur before or after the non-monogamous event.
  • Level of Disclosure: If disclosure is okay, how much should be talked about (i.e. simply informing that it happened, or talking in detail about what happened).
  • Location of Liaisons: Where it is acceptable for the non-monogamous event to happen.
  • Post-Liaison Protocol: What partners should do or expect after a non-monogamous event (i.e. shower before coming home, be ready to discuss, etc.)
  • Emotional Management: What each partner needs to ensure that they continue to feel safe within the relationship. Important Note: Just like in any relationship, people’s needs change over time and these factors should be discussed and re-negotiated as the relationship progresses.

Non-Consensual Non-Monogamy (See ‘Cheating’) When a non-monogamous event occurs without the aforementioned negotiation, both partners have not entered into the arrangement with full knowledge. When someone is misled to believe that they are in a monogamous relationship when they aren’t, this is considered infidelity or cheating.

I just met someone who said they are only interested in non-monogamy. I am not sure what to do. I really like them? 
If someone you just met says they are only interested in non-monogamy, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation with them about your own boundaries and relationship expectations. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page about what non-monogamy means to each of you, and to discuss how you will navigate any potential issues that may arise. It’s also important to take the time to think about your own feelings and boundaries, and to only engage in relationships that align with your values and needs.
I feel jealous of my partner’s other dates. Any thoughts?
Jealousy in non-monogamous relationships is common and can be challenging to manage. It’s important to communicate with your partner about your feelings and to work together to find ways to address the jealousy. This can include setting boundaries, finding ways to build trust, and seeking support from others (such as a sex therapist). It can also be helpful to examine the underlying reasons for your jealousy and to work on building self-confidence and security in the relationship. Remember, healthy relationships are built on open communication, trust, and mutual respect.
I think my friends would judge me negatively if they knew what I was doing.
It can be difficult to share personal information with others if you think they may judge you. However, it’s important to remember that everyone has different experiences and opinions, and not everyone will react the same way. It’s also important to prioritize your own well-being and to engage in activities that make you happy and fulfilled, even if others may not understand or agree with them.

If you’re worried about how your friends may react, consider talking to a trusted friend or a sex therapist about your concerns. It may also be helpful to find a supportive community where you feel comfortable discussing your experiences without fear of judgment. At the end of the day, it’s important to surround yourself with people who accept and support you for who you are.

Why talk to a sex therapist about non monogamy?
A sex therapist can be a helpful resource for individuals and couples who are exploring non-monogamy or who are already in non-monogamous relationships. A sex therapist can provide support, guidance, and tools to help navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships, such as:
  1. Addressing jealousy and insecurity
  2. Building trust and communication skills
  3. Setting boundaries and negotiating agreements
  4. Navigating the emotional dynamics of multiple relationships
  5. Dealing with stigma or societal disapproval
  6. Addressing relationship imbalances or power dynamics

A sex therapist can provide a non-judgmental, confidential space for individuals and couples to discuss their experiences and feelings related to non-monogamy. They can help individuals and couples build healthy relationships and improve their overall sexual and emotional well-being.