Premature Ejaculation and the Angry Lover

PE and the Angry Lover (Premature Ejaculation): Premature ejaculation can cause significant problems in a sexual relationship.  Sometimes PE creates conflict and arguments in the relationship.  The man often desperately wants to solve the problem, but doesn’t know what to do.  And, sometimes his partner feels that the premature ejaculation ruins their sexual encounters and as a result the partner’s sexual needs and desires aren’t met.  Sometimes, the partner can become angry and feels resentful of the problem and of her partner.  This tip PE and the Angry Lover not only gives you some exercises to deal with premature ejaculation but also talks about how to involve your partner in dealing with the problem and addressing her sexual needs.  These are the very same ones that we use to work with clients who seek us out at Sex Therapy in Philadelphia / Center for Growth. By continuing to read this tip about PE and the Angry Lover, you can learn how to work on premature ejaculation by using masturbation.  While you are learning on your own, there are also some exercises that you can do as a couple to work on your sexual relationship.  Working by yourself and with your partner at the same time not only speeds up your recovery time, but helps your partner to feel involved in the process as well as addressing the partner’s needs for a sexual relationship.

Developing Ejaculation Control – the first step is to create an Arousal Scale.  To create an arousal scale of 1-100, take out a sheet of paper and vertically write the numbers 0, 10, 20, 30, 40, etc. up to 100.  The scale starts at zero (not thinking about sex at all/not physically aroused) and goes to 100 (ejaculation). For each number, write down situations that you find sexually arousing.  For example, 10 might be seeing an attractive person, 30 kissing, 70 having your penis stroked by a partner, 80 having your penis stroked by a partner while touching your partner’s genitals and so on.  The next step is to complete the scale by writing down the physical sensations that occur from beginning arousal to ejaculation which is a major part of learning ejaculatory control.  However, because many men use fantasy (including porn) when they masturbate, it can be easier to understand how this scale works by first filling it in with situations that are sexually arousing.

Using the same scale, write down the physical sensations (breathing, sweating, muscle tension, etc.) that you feel at each number.  For example, 10 might be a tingling sensation in your groin area, 30 might be feeling your muscles tensing and a stronger tingling sensation in your penis, 80 might be intense sweating, heart beating fast, and an intense strong feeling of pleasure in your penis, etc.  Try to pay attention to as many physical sensations as you can. Take note of what you are doing to cause your body to experience each physical sensation.  The best way to complete this scale is by masturbating to ejaculation and then writing down the physical sensations that occurred from beginning arousal to ejaculation.  It may take more than one masturbation session to complete the initial scale.

Now, that you have completed your scale the next step is to experiment with touch.  Try touching yourself in different ways for a few minutes each.  Rate each of the following on your arousal scale:

  • a. Soft stroking
  • b. Firm stroking
  • c. Slow stroking
  • d. Fast stroking

While you are experimenting with these different types of touch, also focus on how each touch feels on the different parts of your penis – upper shaft, lower shaft, and the tip. Which area is most sensitive and arousing? After you have tried each touch for a few minutes each, your practice session is over.

Try these different types of touch for 3-5 practice sessions to get a good idea of how you would rate them on the arousal scale. The more specific you can be about touch, pacing, and different types of sensation on your penis, the more you will get into the moment (ie out of your head) which will enable you to not only enjoy your physical reactions more, but slow your arousal level so that you can last longer. Sometimes, especially in the beginning you may find yourself unable to stop yourself from ejaculating.  That is OK.  After ejaculation, end your practice session for the day.  Remember the purpose of the above exercise is to help you identify your body sensations which gets you one-step closer to learning how to control ejaculation.  After each practice session, update your scale with the different physical sensations that you noticed.  Also, learn to identify the point of no return, which refers to the sensations that occur right before you ejaculate.  At that point, ejaculation is going to happen no matter what.

After you have practiced at least 3-5 sessions of  a, b, c, d, repeat the same thing using your non-dominant hand.  Using your non-dominant hand helps you to be even more conscious of the physical sensations and to stay in the moment.  Add any physical sensations that you discover to your scale.  Try the exercise using your non-dominant hand 2-3 times.  Remember to update your scale after these practice sessions too.

Now that you have fully completed your arousal scale of physical sensations, it is time to learn how to last longer through masturbation. If you already feel that you can control your ejaculation during masturbation, congratulations.  You already have mastered a very important step of the process.  Your penis is fully functional, it is just your mind wandering that causes problems for you with a potential partner, and thus this exercise is very important to retrain you to focus on physical sensations.  Also, if your ejaculation issue happens only with a partner, how is your mind wandering when you are with a partner.  Write the thoughts that often occur when you are with a partner.  Are they anxious thoughts (what if I come too soon?  What if she breaks up with me because of it or gets angry?)?  Are they fantasy thoughts (thinking about another person, imagining the partner doing other sexual behaviors or actions)? Or maybe the thoughts have nothing to do with sex at all.  Make a list of them so that when you practice with a partner you will be more aware of what thoughts may be grabbing your attention away from you body.  When you are more aware of the thoughts, you can acknowledge them when they occur and shift your attention back to your physical sensations, rather than letting the thoughts control you.  Learning to focus on physical sensations is essential for controlling your arousal and ejaculation with a partner.

When you practice, do not use any fantasy or pornography. The more you use fantasy, the more you become disconnected from the sensations that are actually happening in your body.  Remember, fantasy is very powerful.  It is possible to ejaculate without any stimulation if you are just using fantasy or pornography. (Learning how to orgasm from fantasy alone is a great skill, but for the purposes of this tip, will get in the way).

When you practice masturbating without fantasy, concentrate on all the sensations that you feel from touching yourself.  Use all of the different types of touch and pacing that you learned that you like.  Also, remember to stimulate the different parts of your penis that you learned were most pleasurable.  When you mind starts to wander, bring yourself back to focusing on the physical sensations that you are feeling in your body and your penis.  Initially, you may find it difficult to masturbate in this way, but the more you practice, the easier it will be.

The next step is to practice bringing yourself to arousal on different points of your scale.  Learning how to control your arousal is especially important between 60-100.  60-100 is the points of the scale when you are more likely to check out of your body and fall into fantasy.  Try using what you learned from types of touch, and pacing in the previous exercise to practice bringing yourself to different points.

  • e. Arouse yourself to 70 on your scale and then with pacing and touch bring your arousal back down to 60. Stop stimulation and allow your arousal to go back to 0.  Repeat this stimulation twice.
  • f. Arouse yourself to 80 on your scale and bring yourself back down to 60. Stop stimulation and allow your arousal to go back to 0.  Repeat this stimulation twice.

Practice a. and b. 3-5 times for 5-10 minutes maximum per practice session. Answer these questions after each practice session: What kinds of things do you find helpful to control your arousal and ejaculation: slowing pace?  Stopping touch?   Stopping touch on a more sensitive area of your penis and moving to a less sensitive area?

For the Couple

While you are working on developing ejaculatory control during masturbation, you and your partner can work on an exercise in a separate practice session where you are both to focus on physical sensations. In this exercise, give each other a back massage.  Decide who will receive the back massage first.  The giver will use these four types of touch for 5 minutes each: firm, soft, very light, and scratching.  After the person has experienced each of the touches, switch roles and repeat.  When you are receiving the touch, think only about what the physical sensations feel like to receive, and when you are giving the massage, think about what the physical sensations feel like to give.  Briefly discuss with each other at the end, which touches you liked and didn’t liked and why.  Alternately, you can also communicate through moaning and groaning which types of touch you like during the massage.  After you have each had a turn and discussed your likes and dislikes, this is the end of your practice session.  Complete this exercise two times.

Now do the same exercise except instead of the back, you are to use the different types of touch on the chest area only.  Use three types of touch for five minutes each: firm, soft, and very light and then switch roles. Remember to focus on the physical sensations.  Briefly discuss your likes and dislikes at the end of the exercise.  This is the end of the practice session.  Complete this assignment two times.

Developing Ejaculatory Control During Intercourse: When you feel that you have mastered the masturbation exercises, you are ready to work with your partner on learning ejaculatory control with intercourse.  Share and explain your arousal scale to your partner.  If you and your partner feel comfortable, show your partner through masturbation how you have learned to control your arousal.  The purpose of this step is so you can communicate with your partner about your arousal and how you like to be touched.  Does it feel the same to masturbate in front of your partner as it does by yourself?  How is it different?  If you are getting too aroused, how can your partner help you?

If neither of you feel comfortable with that step, have your partner manually stimulate you and tell your partner what number you are on the scale. Also communicate with your partner, pacing, different types of touch, and different areas of the penis to touch to show your partner what you have learned.  After you have masturbated or your partner has stimulated you for 15-20 minutes, switch roles and stimulate your partner’s genitals.  Ask your partner to communicate what types of touch she likes and to let you know what numbers she would assign on the scale.  After 15-20 minutes stimulating your partner, switch roles again and have your partner stimulate you for 15-20 minutes giving feedback and points on the scale and then end that practice session.  If you find that you get too excited when you are stimulating your partner, focus on what you are doing and frequently check in with what number she is on her scale.  If you do ejaculate accidentally, end the practice session.   Practice this exercise, until you both feel comfortable that you are able to communicate and pace your arousal.

The next step is to work on penile-vaginal intercourse. Start your practice session by inserting an erect penis into your partner’s vagina and ejaculate as quickly as you can.  The point of this is to establish a baseline.  Can you identify how the arousal process happened in relation to your scale?

At your next practice session, insert your flaccid penis inside the vagina and do not try any thrusting.  Instead, enjoy the sensation of your penis in the vagina and have an intimate, nonsexual conversation with your partner for at least 5 minutes (for example, you can talk about one of your favorite times you had together, what qualities you love about each other, etc.).  Then end this practice session.

This time, insert your erect penis into the vagina and begin slow thrusting.  Communicate with your partner what number you are at on your scale.  If you are too close to ejaculation, stop thrusting, maintain your position and focus your attention on the sensations that you feel.  Remember if you think that touching your partner may make you too aroused stop. Ask your partner to direct your attention to determining the sensations that you are feeling in your body.  When you feel ready, begin movement again, stopping as needed and again focus on your sensations.  Practice this no longer than ten minutes per session.  Practice this exercise until you feel comfortable that you can control your ejaculation with vaginal penetration.

Now you are on your way to controlling your ejaculation and having a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.  Your premature ejaculation does not have to be dictating your sex life and you now have the skills and ways of communicating with your partner, so that you both can enjoy more satisfying sex.

For the advanced couple, or for the woman who needs more: During the above exercise, take some time and focus your energy on pleasuring the woman. How does she like to be touched during intercourse? What type of sexy talk turns her on? If you have trouble focusing on her needs and yours, it’s OK to ‘take turns.’ Make sure you offer several types of touch that do not depend upon your having an erect penis.  She may opt for the use of a dildo, vibrator, finger penetrating her. She may opt for oral sex, chest stimulation, dirty talk etc.