How do you know if you are bad at sex?
How do you know if you are bad at sex? Are you unsure of how to interpret your partner’s behaviors during and after sex? Does not knowing how you rank in bed impact your confidence for future sexual encounters? Gauging your sexual performance by the partner returning for a repeat performance isn’t the only indicator of a successful encounter. Being viewed as “good” in bed / “bad at sex” is more complicated than that.
Note: Being “good” at sex is very dependent upon your actual partner’s particular likes, dislikes and perspective. Just because you and your past partner had amazing sex, does not mean that all future lovers will consider you amazing in the bedroom. Each partner is different. Different build, different tastes, different needs, different likes and dislikes. Just like dating and relationships, the chemistry created between two people changes from person to person, and how the dynamic of how a couple grows from mistakes as well as successful experiences can be wildly different. With this being said, there are some people who will be considered “good” in bed to a wider range of partner’s and others will be viewed as more limited. In relationships, just remember, it only takes one.
When natural chemistry isn’t there, here are some techniques to consider that can help you appeal to a wider range of lovers. Keep in mind, these are techniques that you can BOTH be doing.
Communication (if nothing else, the question of how do you know if you are bad at sex, will be answered)
Do you find yourself communicating with your partner during or after sex? If not, how do you know what he/she liked when it comes to sex? A simple check-in with your partner by using forced choice questioning can give you the feedback you both need when it comes to trying to please your partner, and doesn’t have to take up a lot of time, or kill the mood. For example, ask, “Do you like soft touch or harder touch?” “Is this okay?” Explore these questions in the moment, while you are actually touching. Other questions to explore: “Should I speed up or slow down?” “What about this speed is doing it for you?” These questions will provide you with so much more information and ideally, more confidence to explore in the bedroom.
Non-verbal Communication: Noise is a very powerful way to communicate non-verbally when it comes to sex. You can give and get feedback with your partner simply through moaning,groaning, grunting, even heavy breathing.
Look for different cues from your partner in the moment: Is your partner shifting his body more or less according to your touch or movement? Can you tell the difference between when your partner’s body is relaxed or tense? Can you tell the difference between your partner’s responses to your touch? What is your body language like? Giving and receiving eye contact with your partner indicates focus, and interest in your partner and in what’s happening in the bedroom. Scanning your partner’s body, checking him/her out up and down can be visually stimulating for you, and can be a turn on to your partner because he/she knows you want them.
Are you participating during sex? Or are you lying there like a dead fish? Moving your hips, touching your partner, shifting your body in response to what feels good are simple and surefire ways to show your enthusiasm. If you can tell that your partner is into it, try and match his/her level of excitement. Most aspects of sex are reciprocal, so be as enthused and motivated as your partner, and you should quickly see the payoff. Don’t forget to assess your own behavior when in action. How are you getting what you want? What are you doing to communicate to your partner what to focus on more of, or less of? What is your responsbility in creating a sexually charged and enjoyable experience?
There are two kinds of participation: Giving and receiving. When it comes to sex, giving your partner pleasure is just as important as receiving it. Any partner would be appreciative of you focusing on his/her sexual needs and pleasure, but your sexual needs take just as much priority. As mentioned in this tip multiple times, any sexual partner wants to know your feedback, just as much as you want to know your partner’s. It’s important to us when we’re sexually intimate to know that our partner is enjoying what we are doing and how we are doing it: from making noises, to verbally telling us, we get turned on by knowing our partner is having just as good of a time as we are. Having a partner know what he/she wants and needs sexually and making that happen is sexy and keeps us motivated and wanting more.
There is also two modes of response when it comes to participation. There the more hedonistic, theatrical mode. It’s a little of the top, and very easy to read for your partner. A more toned down option would be a more conscious response and approach, matching your partner’s speed, movement, and tone. For example, if your partner is taking things at a more slower speed, focusing more on touch and eye contact, you would consciously behave in a similar and complimentary way.
Are you willing to take a risk and try something new without knowing exactly the outcome? One example could be visual stimulation. As human beings we tend to react to visual stimulus; giving your partner something new to try and to look at can be extremely stimulating. Taking chances sexually shows your interest and efforts in keeping you both engaged. Whether it’s simply getting on top of your partner and taking control, or coming up with new places to have sex (in and out of the home) are simple ways to prevent getting stuck in a sexual rut. Another way to be creative sexually is building on what you already know that works. Take something that you’ve done, or already do in the bedroom and switch it up just a little bit. For example, maybe you tend to give a good blow job and have a good sense of how your partners’ typically respond to you. A way to build on to this could be by playing more with different speeds during oral, or different touch with your hands, such as stroking the inside of your partner’s thighs with your fingertips, or gripping/touching/stroking your partner’s shaft either during oral, or switching back and forth from more play and use of hands to oral, and so forth.
Anxiety is a mood killer. You’re not the only one who wants a partner who is confident in who they are and what they offer you sexually (and non-sexually). People want to feel safe and confident that they chose a worthy sexual partner, rather than feeling like they need to take care of their partner and hold their hand throughout the experience. When you have a partner who is asking for a lot of validation or too many questions, many partners would begin to question if they chose the right partner, it’s not sexy. Not to mention, anxiety tends to distract us from the moment, making us unable to be present mentally, emotionally, and sexually (Refer to the next paragraph for more on the benefits of focus and presence. Being your confident, sexual self is not about putting on a show or being someone you’re not. It’s about trusting and going with your instincts, finding your inner confidence and leading with it, and go with what feels natural.
Focus and presence
Are you present? Are you focused on what is happening for the two of you in the moment? Or do you find your mind is elsewhere, worrying about how your partner perceives you, or are you distracted by outside thoughts. Not being able to focus, or being distracted by your own anxiety can show on the outside, and is easily picked up by your partner. Not to mention, the more distracted and out of the moment you are, the less likely you will be able to fully enjoy the moment and be aware of how you respond sexually, as well as your partner.
A partner’s energy can come in many different forms, especially when it comes to sex. This includes, humor/laughing, being more passionate and lustful, or being more loving and emotionally connected, or having a more animalistic/fucking type of energy. Do you have one type of energy? Or do you have the ability to reach varies types of energy depending on your mood, depending on your partner’s mood/range? The ability to have different energies in the bedroom will not only help you appeal to a wider range of lovers, but will keep things fresh and interesting for the both of you when you can surprise yourself with different energies and outcomes with sex.
How honest and accurate are you with giving feedback? If your partner asks, do you give the cold, hard truth? Or do you say something feels good, when in reality, you could go without that particular stroke/move? A lot of confidence in your own sexual skills is needed when it comes to giving someone else honest feedback. Honest and accurate feedback allows the opportunity for both of you to enjoy sex more, and learn more.
Again, each sexual experience and each sexual partner will be different. These general categories will help keep in mind exactly what to focus on when learning how to read your partner and gauge your own sexual abilities. The question of “How do I know if you are bad at sex” will be answered. To be brutally honest, if you find yourself still questioning your sexual skills after reading this article, you probably are bad at sex and could learn a few things. Check in with your partner, and hope that they are honest with you. If you’re feeling anxious and self-conscious, this can show through in the bedroom, and really impact the quality of the sexual experience. Speak to a therapist today to for more information on how to improve your sexual performance and confidence level. We are here to help.