Anger About Partners Loss of Erection

What to Do When Your Partner Loses an Erection: When Getting Angry is OK

What happens when your partner loses his erection?   Do you get angry, sad, or hurt?  Do you feel hurt and lash out at your partner when this happens?  Do you and your partner fight after he has lost an erection?  Do the fights end with you still remaining angry?  Does the hurt manifest itself in accusations towards your partner and his ‘manhood?’  This is a normal reaction–at its most basic level a lost erection is symbolic of a person being distracted.  This reaction may stem from a loss of interest in the partner or the opposite can be true.  Your partner may care so much about pleasing you that they can’t think of anything else and in turn this has caused anxiety for your partner.  Regardless of ‘why’ your partner is losing an erection it is important how you react and communicate about the situation because how you communicate sets the tone for the relationship.

First of all, it is important to recognize when his erectile issue becomes a problem for you.  When does your partner lose his erection?  Is it every time you have sex (or attempt to have sex)?  Or is it more infrequent?  Whatever the time frame of this occurrence, the important thing to note is when it becomes a problem to you.  Has it gotten to the point where your anger about the situation has caused you and your partner not to talk?  Or do you just avoid sex as a result?  You might get angry at your partner because he is avoiding the problem and making you feel like it is your problem when it is not, he is just not taking responsibility.  Women have been told that anger is not an acceptable emotion to express, but why not?  Getting angry is a reasonable response to a disturbance in your sex life that leaves you feeling hopeless and frustrated.

Recognize that it is OK to be angry that his loss of an erection is affecting your sex life.  You are entitled to a healthy and enjoyable sex life.  Furthermore, recognizing your anger at the situation helps you to recognize what exactly is going on in the relationship–something is not right.  There are a myriad of issues that loss of erection could be covering and, ironically, taking a step back from the situation allows you to reevaluate what is going on.  It is entirely possible that you are picking up on a more serious issue then the loss of an erection.  Your anger may allow you to recognize that you have a role in the relationship too and there is a possibility that this guy is not right for you–maybe you are not compatible sexually.  If this is the case it could be time to end the relationship and look for someone who you are compatible with and can have a healthy sex life.  Or maybe his loss of erection is reflecting that your sex life wasn’t as great as it once was and now you both have to try harder to put the ‘spark’ back into your sex life.  This erectile issue may also surface if your partner is not helping himself, in this instance you need to reiterate that sex is an important aspect of your relationship and he needs to work on himself.  Or perhaps you don’t think it is you?  Loss of an erection cannot only signal relational issues, but it may also indicate that your partner is in psychological distress.

Maybe your partner has a very high sex drive for everybody but you.  Sometimes this lack of desire for one’s primary partner is called ‘sexual anorexia.’  There is something terrifying about being sexually intimate with some that you are in love with.   In which case your anger may be an indication of your intuition telling you that this relationship is not working for you.  It may also be the case that your partner is insecure about their penis size.  Perhaps they are too worried about their own body to actively participate and enjoy sex.  Similarly, your partner may not be able to relax enough to enjoy sex and continues to lose his erection because of trust issues.  Perhaps he does not trust you or has had bad past experiences which leave him with a general feeling of mistrust.  If this is the case it is difficult for your partner to feel vulnerable during sex, which ultimately leads him to lose his erection.  It is not possible for you to work on this trust issue alone and your anger might be highlighting this resentment.  Your partner must admit that he is hung up on this element of trust and that things are not OK for him.  Furthermore, religious beliefs may to be blame for your partners’ loss of erection.  He may have grown up in an environment that taught him that premarital sex and even masturbation are wrong.  Therefore, this could be a vey real thing for your partner and he may have a hard time processing whether or not he is OK with the behavior he is engaging in.  If you don’t share these values it might be difficult for you to understand your partners point of view; therefore, you should seriously evaluate your commitment to this relationship.

Truly there are many psychological factors that may underlie your man’s erection issues, but that does not stop you from making very important decisions.  You now have the opportunity to examine each ‘red flag’ and make sure that your guy is worth it.  From this point on, this tip is geared towards the individuals who have decided that their partner is worthwhile.  Additionally this tip is designed to help you break out of the negative pattern you are currently in and instead use your anger for the good–to utilize your anger to create change in the relationship and establish new, healthy patterns of sexual functioning.

Vexed about sex?  Your gut reaction may be to scream: “Really? Again?  I can’t believe this keeps happening, what are you doing?!  You suck in bed; I mean you can’t even stay hard!”  But on the other hand, you can’t imagine being that critical; maybe you are not a very assertive person.  You may feel the anger bubbling under the surface, but you only exhibit this anger passive-aggressively.  Unfortunately this is getting you nowhere; your partner will not pick-up on your subtle cues.  Therefore it can be beneficial to admit that you are upset and brazenly address your concerns about his loss of erection.  After all, his loss of an erection is setting off ‘red flags’ in your mind and are causing you to worry that something is not right.  However, your worrying cannot fix the problem.  Your partner needs to be motivated to change the situation and understand what is going on.

Be direct–it is sexy!  Does his loss of an erection make you feel like he doesn’t find you attractive?  Or maybe you worry that this problem is adversely affecting your sex life.  Whatever it is that you are thinking, tell him!  Maybe you are the type of person who blames herself for everything so it is natural for you to think that his loss of an erection is something that you did.  Your mind can run wild and think things like: “Well, if I lost ten pounds this wouldn’t be an issue.”  But by thinking things like this and not telling your partner, you are subconsciously beginning to take the blame for this issue.  Feeling you are to blame for something you cannot control ultimately makes one very angry and frustrated.  Therefore it is time to channel your anger and be direct and honest with your partner.  Share your frustrations, if you are direct with your partner it will become apparent to them that your concern in the issue shows that you care and additionally lets him know that this is something that needs to be fixed.  Let him know you would like him to take initiative and work on his problem.  You can refer him to the internet, a therapist, and/or a doctor.

There is merit to getting angry.  Anger can be a catalyst for change.  Your anger at the situation might be the driving force for your partner to seek the help that he needs.  Getting angry at your partner shows that you care; you care that your partner is not OK and recognize that something has changed for them.  You must find a way to express that is not OK that this continually happens with no attempts to change or fix the situation.  Getting angry at the situation shows that it is not your problem, but you are being affected by it.  Women try to fix men, but you do not have to.  It is not your responsibility.  In fact, you might take his loss of an erection as a healthy warning sign that something is not right in the relationship.  If your partner does nothing, at a certain point getting angry will not be helpful and will instead make you look like you have an anger management problem.  At a certain point anger is problematic so you need to set a healthy boundary for yourself so you can recognize when to walk away.  It is not your responsibility to ‘fix him.’  However, once he is committed to changing and has been working on erectile issue for a while you may once again find yourself becoming angry that he is not changing quickly enough.  If that were the case, this would be the ideal time to suggest therapy.  Seeking therapy form a sex therapist will allow your partner to explore and understand their problem by examining their sexual history and psycho-social background combined with his own family dynamics.  Additionally, sex therapists have specialized training in sexual function and dysfunction and can help your partner to resolve any issues that are currently affecting their ability to get and maintain an erection.