Sexual Style

Discovering your sexual style tip is designed to help you figure out what your sexual style is.  It will help you if you feel like you’ve been stuck in a rut sexually for some time now.  You will be able to identify what areas of your sex life you want to address first.  This technique will also be beneficial for those who have anxiety discussing their sexual preferences with their partners. It will help improve your communication with your partner about how to enhance your sex lives. Lastly, it will aide you in discovering what your sexual preferences are.  If you are interested in exploring and defining your preferences, this technique consists of four steps.

Step one:Give yourself at least an hour to complete this technique.  Go somewhere comfortable, quiet, and private where you won’t be disturbed.  Then get a pen or pencil and a plain piece of paper (lined works too).  Next, draw a circle on the paper that takes up about two thirds of the page.  Be sure it’s big enough to write inside of, but also leave room on the outside of the circle to write things as well.

Step 2:We will begin by filling in the inside of the circle.  In this area you will list or write all of the sexual activities that you would like to include in your “style.”  This may range form places, to positions, to the time of day, to whether or not to use toys with your partner or alone. Include anything you know you like to do with your partner.  Write down activities such as masturbation or massages you like to do alone. Also be sure to include new ideas that you have head of from friend, magazines, or Internet searches that you are interested in trying.  Also include scenarios that you find appealing for sexual activity such as after a romantic dinner with candles and soft music. Below are a few questions to ask yourself to get started or if you have trouble coming up with new ideas other than the ones you already know of.  Just be sure that inside the circle are only those things that you find appealing and are OK with having as a part of your sexual style.  Also within the circle, make a notation on those activities that are priorities or “necessary.”  If kissing is a necessity for you, put a star next to it.  This way, you will know what activities to be sure to discuss with a potential partner.

  • What positions are you comfortable with trying? Do you prefer basic missionary, like the woman to be on top, what about standing or sitting, and those that include tantric and more athletic poses?
  • Are you interested in receiving or giving oral and/or anal sex?  So you have any specific parameters that need to be defined to engage in these activities?
  • Are you interested in role playing, watching pornography, or using lingerie?
  • What about toys? Do you plan to use a vibrator, dildo, anal beads, etc? Are they for solo use or use with a partner?
  • Where do you wish to engage in sexual activity?  Is it confined to the bedroom?  What about other areas of the house such as the living room, or the kitchen? Do you have a tub or shower and is that a place for sex? What about outdoors, on a beach, in the car or other semi public places? Are these a turn on for you or appealing at all?
  • Describe your ideal foreplay activities?  Do you feel as though you require a certain amount of kissing, fondling, or manual or oral stimulation before engaging in intercourse?  Do you need to progress in a specific order?  Is it ever ok to stop at foreplay?
  • What about after that act, do you like to cuddle or prefer to go right to sleep?
  • What time of day do you prefer to have sex?
  • Do you like the lights on or off?

Step 3:Now you have identified the activities that you wish to include in your sexual style.  Next you will be defining those activities or scenarios that you are not comfortable with or that are considered to be off limits. Anything you do not wish to engage in will be written outside the circle.  Use the questions above to help rule out anything you wish to not be a part of your sexual style. If you’ve never tried something and are not sure if it’s inside or outside the circle, then write the activity on the edges of the circle.  This will mean that this technique or behavior is up for discussion.

Remember if you think an activity, technique, or situation is not something you want to include then don’t include it.  Your sexual style is as unique as you are and only you can decide what is in and what is out.  However if you find yourself wanting more inside the circle but having a lot on the outside, you may wish to explore your feelings and values around certain behaviors to understand why you listed them as off limits.  Ask yourself why you don’t want to engage in that behavior? How would you feel if you did? When did you decide it was off limits? Did you try it and not like it? There are a number of reasons why you could be uncomfortable with something and they are all perfectly fine, this exercise is just designed to get you to explore what you like, don’t like, what you prefer, and why you like and don’t like some things.

Step 4:Take what you have learned from your own experience doing this exercise, and start to try out some of the things inside your circle.  If you have a partner you can explain what you did and encourage them to do the same.  Then you can create a ven diagram of what you like in one circle, what they like in the other, activities you both like and consider a priority in the middle, and whatever is off limits between the two of you outside the circles.

Do not be alarmed if you do this technique with your partner and you have different preferences.  This is normal because once again everyone’s sexual style is unique.  You may already be having a great and fulfilling sex like with your partner but you like different things.  This technique is merely a communication tool to get you to start discussing the shared activities and those that are different.  Having different preferences is not bad in and of itself.  If there is no communication, problems may arise.  The reason that communication about sexual preferences is so essential within a relationship is because most people want to please their partners, as well a receive pleasure from sex.  In general, most people will touch a partner the way they want and like to be touched.  If you have different sexual styles than your partner, you will be doing a disservice to him or her by not exploring what you like and what they like. Sexuality is a central part of relationships for most couples.  For many it is a way to express their feelings in a concrete and physical way.  For others, it is a release both physically and emotionally.

Using this circle technique will help you to communicate your preferences with your partner so that you will both be able to try new experiences and have a satisfying sex life.  Communication with your partner is essential to having good sex because without talking about what each person prefers, you will continue the unsatisfying cycle you may already be in.  Most people tend to touch a partner in the way they like to be touched.  If your partner doesn’t know what you like, it is like going on a treasure hunt without a map. You will continue to be unsatisfied with sex in the morning if you don’t tell your partner you prefer it at night.  Explaining your likes and dislikes will take some of the pressure of performance off yourself and your partner.  You will know how the experience is going to turn out before it even starts and will be able to become more in the moment to enjoy it more.