Intimacy in the Bedroom

Intimacy in the bedroom: 10 things to keep in mind to increase intimacy in the bedroom in Philadelphia.   It is easy for Philly couples to criticize themselves or each other for needing a reminder or a list of basic strategies to enhance their sexual intimacy.  However, many of the listed strategies are things we often take for granted in the earlier part of a relationship; these things often couple natural during the “honeymoon period” because we are so infatuated with our partner and the newness of the relationship.  When the honeymoon period ends, we become more human and less of a fantasy to our partner, it does not necessarily mean that we love our partner less, or the attraction has disappeared forever, what it means is that we have gotten lazy and stopped prioritizing the work that is required to develop the intimacy between two people.   To get the most out of the following strategies, try focusing on utilizing one strategy per week, and keep aware of any positive results. At the end of the ten weeks, begin the entire exercise again.

  • Time is of the essence— When we are dealing demanding work schedules, limited opportunities for sleep, and the many other obligations life brings, it’s important for you and partner to identify what part of the day you prefer and are most receptive to intimacy. Are you a morning person? A night owl?  Talk with your partner to find out what time of the day you both prefer, and if you are on different schedules.
  • Environmental factors— Is your bedroom your sanctuary away from stress? Or is it your second office? The fewer reminders of uncompleted tasks in your room (stacks of laundry, unpacked boxes, piles of papers, etc.) the more room you have (physically and mentally) to stop moving and doing, and spend quality downtime alone with your partner.  Bonus tip- lighting your favorite scented candle can go a long way!
  • Communication – Talking with your partner is an essential factor to increasing intimacy with your partner. Share what your hope to do in the bedroom; it can be just holding each other without expectation of sex, massaging each other, or take the time in the bedroom and decide together what you both want.
  • Technique – Some couples prefer and enjoy a routine in the bedroom, some like to try new sexual positions and styles.  Do you know what your prefer? Share with your partner, and ask the same question.
  • Distractions – Talk to your partner and agree on how to limit the distractions in the bedrooms.  Make a phone curfew: agree on when to turn off the cell phones and computers, or even agree to leave such devices outside of the bedroom.
  • Stating your expectations – Not only is it beneficial to let your partner know ahead of time that you expect to have a night in, and to plan accordingly, but it stating your expectations can also be romantic and a mood setter.  Leave a quick handwritten note on the kitchen counter, send an email asking for a bedroom date for later that evening. Get creative!
  • Prioritize – Just like timing is essential in terms of increasing an opportunity for sexual intimacy, so it prioritizing.  Where does time for romance and intimacy fall on your list of priorities and where does it fall for you partner? As we get older, and our lives get busier, sexual spontaneity may become more difficult for some of us.  Planning ahead, use of calendars and digital reminders are all helpful sources in making intimacy a priority.
  • Fantasies – Ask your partner if they have had a sexual fantasy they were always curious about, Don’t be shy in sharing your sexual fantasy with your partner, he/she may just want to help you act it out!
  • Compliments are key – After a while, it’s easy to take our partners for granted and the little compliments can sometimes fall by the wayside. Acknowledge the little things, she’s wearing that blouse that you love, or he’s wearing your favorite cologne. Let your partner know you see these things, and they still appeal to you.
  • Keep it light, keep it simple: Remember, this is supposed to be fun and enjoyable! So, no need for pressure.  An intimate night with your partner can be whatever you and your partner want it to be.  Have fun!

This list was developed for the Center for Growth / Sex Therapy in Philadelphia.