Confused Sexual Orientation

Are you confused about your sexual orientation?
If so, you are not alone.
Most people, who define themselves as heterosexual, at some point in their life, have sexual thoughts towards someone of the same sex.

Furthermore many people who try out sexual behaviors with someone of the same sex will like it, while others will decide that they are more sexually attracted to someone of the opposite sex.  Simply experimenting with someone of the same sex does not make you “gay.”  Plenty of people who call themselves heterosexual, have engaged in same gendered sexual acts, and plenty of people who call themselves homosexual or lesbian have never been romantically involved with someone of the same sex.  Thus, you can define your sexual orientation any way you like.  All of these categories: gay, lesbian, homosexual, bi-sexual, transgendered, transsexual, pansexual are culturally prescribed labels.  Feel free to define your own sexual orientation based on behaviors, or on feelings. What is important, is that you choose to live your life, in the way that feels most comfortable to you.

If you feel liked you may have a confused sexual orientation or you simply are not sure what label to use to describe yourself, ask yourself, the following questions.

  1. Does knowing really matter?
  2. What is the point of a label? How would it giving yourself  a label help / hurt your situation?

Once you have asked yourself the above questions proceed onward. . . .

  1. Have you ever been attracted to someone of the same sex?
  2. On multiple occasions, have you found yourself attracted to someone of the same sex?
  3. Have you ever fantasized about being with someone of the same sex?
  4. Have you ever been sexually aroused while watching a movie where two people of the same gender have been sexual?
  5. Have you ever participated in a threesome?
  6. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex?
  7. Are you more at ease with people of the same gender?

Then ask yourself, how you feel about your answers?

  • My hope is that I  . . . .
  • My belief is that I  . . . .
  • My fear is that I . . . .
  • My family of origin supports me in the following ways . . .
  • My family of origin is uncomfortable with my choices in the following ways . . .
  • My created famliy (best friend, spouse etc) supports me by . . .
  • My created family wishes I would . . .

If you answered yes to question 1-7, then on a scale of 1-100 (one being completely heterosexual, and 100 being completely lesbian / homosexual) your sexual orientation is somewhere in between. Since there are no hard and fast rules about each label, feel free to chose one that makes sense to you. Remember, plenty of people who call themselves ‘gay’ have been with more lovers of the opposite sex, then their own. While many people who call themselves heterosexual, have engaged in sex with someone of the same sex, never mind threesomes.

Many people who describe themselves as having a “confused sexual orientation” or “discomfort”, benefit from being able to

  1. Experimenting sexually (while using safer sex methods).
  2. Experimenting emotionally with people of different genders.
  3. Journaling their thoughts and feelings.
  4. Reading books about this topic. see the list of our recommended books.
  5. Talking about their feelings and thoughts with their peers, close friends, family members and people identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered.
  6. Watching movies that focus on the issue of sexual orientation.


If you are worried about confidentiality, then I highly recommend talking with one of our therapists at the Center for Growth / Sex Therpay in Philadelphia. This way, until you know what you think / feel, you do not have to worry about other people’s reactions / feelings.