Better sex – without ever actually meeting with a sex therapist.

Skills to having better sex without ever actually meeting with a sex therapist

(written in no particular order)

  • In long term relationships one basic strategy utilized in having good sex is to “pace” oneself.   Meaning,  each time you learn a new trick, tip or idea only introduce one new idea/concept per week to your lover.  We suggest incorporating only one knew sexual trick a week for several reasons. First, becoming a great lover does not happen overnight. Each new tip, trick or idea needs practice.  Spending a week fully exploring something allows sufficient time to fully explore the technique.  Second, by spacing out the new ideas, the sex always stays “fresh” and “creative.”  Constant low level changes maintains the level of predictability needed to make sex feel safe and the slight changes help foster the sense that the sexual interactions between two lovers  feel new, exciting and different.  Introducing new ideas helps to prevent sexual patterns from growing “boring”.  The lack of predictability fosters the sense that the two lovers are continually growing together, and changing with time.   So, if after reading our website, you like our ideas, do NOT try them all at once. Instead, savor each idea and fully explore the results.
  • Read sexy books together. Discuss them.  What are your likes, dislikes, comforts, areas of desires, turn offs.  Practice reading the books out loud to each other in a sexy, seductive, or embarrassing voice.  Explore how sound influences the reader and the listener.  What feelings get brought up?  What changes in the sexual energy do you notice? Reading engages the brain, and takes the guess work out of what to say next.
  • Practice communicating with each other using different styles of verbal communication. Create your own dialogue using dirty talk, positive talk, sexy talk, permission giving talk, playful talk, etc.  As you speak pay attention to how your partner responds. What doors do the different verbal styles open up, or close? What emotions are you experiencing as you experiment with your own styles of voice.
  • As the giver, pay attention to the receiver. What signals is your lover giving you?  While you can literally ask your partner what she or he likes, words often fall flat.  To get around words, focus on noise, body language and ways in which your partner initiates touch and the type of touch used.  Frequently people give the way they want to receive.
  • Give feedback. Focus on being as demonstrative and expressive as possible.  The more exaggerated the response, the simpler it is to interpret.
  • Play the mirror game. Touch your partner, the way your partner normally touches you. Typically people touch others the way they want to be touched.  Thus by playing the mirror game (without their knowledge) you will appear to be the best lover.  You will be matching them at every stage, never pushing things too fast, and giving the exact kind of pressure that the other person likes!
  • Rent educational sex videos of people having sex and watch them together.  Educational sex films, unlike porn, are typically “boring” and more “educational” and designed to teach you knew ideas.  Frequently, because these films are more “boring” it promotes an exploratory dialogue where each person is more able to verbally explore their full range of feelings, beliefs and attitudes about what they just observed.  Another advantage of educational sex videos is you can actually see people having sex.  While, as a therapist, I am a big believer in talking, sometimes the adage, a picture is worth a thousand words, is accurate. Read some books on how to become a better lover.  Sometimes, learning a new technique for touching is enough.
  • Read self help tips on becoming a better lover, this website is packed with tips, tricks and ideas.  If you are seeking general sex tips if you need help overcoming a specific problem like premature ejaculation or you are clueless as to what to do, this website has the answers!