Being Single With Premature Ejaculation
Being Single with Premature Ejaculation – Premature ejaculation is a common problem. You may have found that when you are single, it has caused you to feel nervous and anxious about sex with a new partner. Will you be able to last long enough? How will they react if you can’t? Your anxiety or nervousness may even affect dating or in some cases cause you to avoid dating all together. If this is your situation, this is the tip for you. This tip from Sex Therapy in Philadelphia/Center for Growth is designed, with the single guy in mind, no partners are required! Successful completion of this tip will increase your confidence when you are with a partner.
Developing Ejaculation Control – the first step is to create an Arousal Scale. To create an arousal scale of 1-100, take out a sheet of paper and vertically write the numbers 0, 10, 20, 30, 40, etc. up to 100. The scale starts at zero (not thinking about sex at all/not physically aroused) and goes to 100 (ejaculation). For each number, write down situations that you find sexually arousing. For example, 10 might be seeing an attractive person, 30 kissing, 70 having your penis stroked by a partner, 80 having your penis stroked by a partner while touching your partner’s genitals and so on. The next step is to complete the scale by writing down the physical sensations that occur from beginning arousal to ejaculation which is a major part of learning ejaculatory control. However, because many men use fantasy (including porn) when they masturbate, it can be easier to understand how this scale works by first filling it in with situations that are sexually arousing.
Using the same scale, write down the physical sensations (breathing, sweating, muscle tension, etc.) that you feel at each number. For example, 10 might be a tingling sensation in your groin area, 30 might be feeling your muscles tensing and a stronger tingling sensation in your penis, 80 might be intense sweating, heart beating fast, and an intense strong feeling of pleasure in your penis, etc. Try to pay attention to as many physical sensations as you can. Take note of what you are doing to cause your body to experience each physical sensation. The best way to complete this scale is by masturbating to ejaculation and then writing down the physical sensations that occurred from beginning arousal to ejaculation. It may take more than one masturbation session to complete the initial scale.
Now, that you have completed your scale the next step is to experiment with touch. Try touching yourself in different ways for a few minutes each. Rate each of the following on your arousal scale:
- a. Soft stroking
- b. Firm stroking
- c. Slow stroking
- d. Fast stroking
While you are experimenting with these different types of touch, also focus on how each touch feels on the different parts of your penis – upper shaft, lower shaft, and the tip. Which area is most sensitive and arousing? After you have tried each touch for a few minutes each, your practice session is over.
Try these different types of touch for 3-5 practice sessions to get a good idea of how you would rate them on the arousal scale. The more specific you can be about touch, pacing, and different types of sensation on your penis, the more you will get into the moment (ie out of your head) which will enable you to not only enjoy your physical reactions more, but slow your arousal level so that you can last longer. Sometimes, especially in the beginning you may find yourself unable to stop yourself from ejaculating. That is OK. After ejaculation, end your practice session for the day. Remember the purpose of the above exercise is to help you identify your body sensations which gets you one-step closer to learning how to control ejaculation. After each practice session, update your scale with the different physical sensations that you noticed. Also, learn to identify the point of no return, which refers to the sensations that occur right before you ejaculate. At that point, ejaculation is going to happen no matter what.
After you have practiced at least 3-5 sessions of a, b, c, d, repeat the same thing using your non-dominant hand. Using your non-dominant hand helps you to be even more conscious of the physical sensations and to stay in the moment. Add any physical sensations that you discover to your scale. Try the exercise using your non-dominant hand 2-3 times. Remember to update your scale after these practice sessions too.
Now that you have fully completed your arousal scale of physical sensations, it is time to learn how to last longer through masturbation. If you already feel that you can control your ejaculation during masturbation, congratulations. You already have mastered a very important step of the process. Your penis is fully functional, it is just your mind wandering that causes problems for you with a potential partner, and thus this exercise is very important to retrain you to focus on physical sensations. Also, if your ejaculation issue happens only with a partner, how is your mind wandering when you are with a partner. Write the thoughts that often occur when you are with a partner. Are they anxious thoughts (what if I come too soon? What if she breaks up with me because of it or gets angry?)? Are they fantasy thoughts (thinking about another person, imagining the partner doing other sexual behaviors or actions)? Or maybe the thoughts have nothing to do with sex at all. Make a list of them so that when you practice with a partner you will be more aware of what thoughts may be grabbing your attention away from you body. When you are more aware of the thoughts, you can acknowledge them when they occur and shift your attention back to your physical sensations, rather than letting the thoughts control you. Learning to focus on physical sensations is essential for controlling your arousal and ejaculation with a partner.
When you practice, do not use any fantasy or pornography. The more you use fantasy, the more you become disconnected from the sensations that are actually happening in your body. Remember, fantasy is very powerful. It is possible to ejaculate without any stimulation if you are just using fantasy or pornography. (Learning how to orgasm from fantasy alone is a great skill, but for the purposes of this tip, will get in the way).
When you practice masturbating without fantasy, concentrate on all the sensations that you feel from touching yourself. Use all of the different types of touch and pacing that you learned that you like. Also, remember to stimulate the different parts of your penis that you learned were most pleasurable. When you mind starts to wander, bring yourself back to focusing on the physical sensations that you are feeling in your body and your penis. Initially, you may find it difficult to masturbate in this way, but the more you practice, the easier it will be.
The next step is to practice bringing yourself to arousal on different points of your scale. Learning how to control your arousal is especially important between 60-100. 60-100 is the points of the scale when you are more likely to check out of your body and fall into fantasy. Try using what you learned from types of touch, and pacing in the previous exercise to practice bringing yourself to different points.
- e. Arouse yourself to 70 on your scale and then with pacing and touch bring your arousal back down to 60. Stop stimulation and allow your arousal to go back to 0. Repeat this stimulation twice.
- f. Arouse yourself to 80 on your scale and bring yourself back down to 60. Stop stimulation and allow your arousal to go back to 0. Repeat this stimulation twice.
Practice a. and b. 3-5 times for 5-10 minutes maximum per practice session. Answer these questions after each practice session: What kinds of things do you find helpful to control your arousal and ejaculation: slowing pace? Stopping touch? Stopping touch on a more sensitive area of your penis and moving to a less sensitive area?
As a guy who is single with premature ejaculation, it is really important to practice regulating your arousal and focusing on your physical sensations during masturbation. Try to see how long you can masturbate, using your new skills to regulate your arousal and staying in your body, without ejaculating. Remember, as you practice refrain from using porn/fantasy. Now, when you have the opportunity to be sexual with a partner, focus on the sensations that you are experiencing. This will help you stay in your body and out of your head. The more skilled you are at staying in the moment as defined by feeling each sensations, without the use of fantasy, or without the worry about your partner’s sexual satisfaction or happiness, the more able you will be to pace your level of sexual arousal and thus your need to ejaculate.
Even if you are single with premature ejaculation help is available. Here at Sex Therapy in Philadelphia we practice talk therapy – which is highly effective and reimbursable by most insurance companies.