Too Tight

Too Tight for Sex?

Ask Alex,
I’m a 23 years old male, and my girlfriend is 21 years old. We’ve been seeing each other for a year now, and decided we were ready to start having sex. My girlfriend went to the doctor and started taking the pill, and we’re using condoms also. We’re both virgins and were never involved in a previous sexual relationship. When we tried sex for the first time sex hurt her a great deal because she was too tight, she described the pain as much like menstruation pain. She also bled a little (but I know it’s normal). Since then we tried having sex two more times and sex still hurts her a lot.  I think she is too tight. We had a lot of foreplay before the actual penetration and she seemed very aroused and wet. Nonetheless we tried using KY jelly, but KY jelly doesn’t seem to help much. She’s very tensed when we have sex and she contracts her muscles, she says she does not want to but can’t help it. Instead of releasing the muscles, she contracts them even more so it hurts more. After a while she gets very tired and so do I, because I have to hold myself in the air so I won’t hurt her.

We tried different positions, but she says she’s most comfortable with the missionary one.  She says she feels I’m very deep inside of her, when all I really can insert, before it starts hurting so much, is just the head of my penis. Clearly, she is too tight and I don’t know how to get her to relax.  She talked to her mother and sister and they both told her sex hurt them very much too, and sex took them a few attempts before they could do it. I’m willing to try as much as she needs but she gets very frustrated with the situation. I suggested that maybe she wasn’t really ready but she says she is very ready. We even thought using some alcohol so she’d get more free, but I’m afraid she’ll get to drunk and fall asleep, or won’t remember anything in the morning, so the next time will be hurtful again. I tried suggesting I inserted a finger into her but she says the idea repulses her. Also, she never used tampons.

Is this situation normal? Should we just make some more attempts and it will be O.K? Do you have any other advice for us? I tried reading as much on the subject as I can, but I found no solution.
Thanks in advance,

Dear Udi,
My guess is that your situation is normal. Though, just to be sure, I highly recommend that your partner have a medical check up with her regular GYN. Once you can rule out all potential medical reasons for her being too tight (e.g. vaginismus, dyspareunia) and for the pain to be occurring, The problem may be as simple as she is not used to having anything inside of her. If this is the case, you can expect that it will take a long of practicing (which can be quite fun) while she gets used to having something inside of her. Or it could be something more serious – that would require medical treatment (as opposed to sex therapy).

In general, coitus (eg. Sex) is always more difficult if you are
*Uncomfortable / unable to use a tampon
*Uncomfortable with finger stimulation inside of you
* tensing your vaginal muscles

1) Practice, while menstruating, using a tampon
2) Practice exploring your own vagina with your own finger(s)
3) Practice tensing and relaxing your vaginal muscles.
4) practice having sex – once you are inside of her – instead of continuing to thrust…stop and talk to her – by this I mean verbally re-assure her it is ok to relax her vaginal muscles, in fact you could have her practice squeezing and releasing with you inside of her – you will then be her gage as to how hard she is squeezing
5) you could also practice with a small dildo – or she could do so on her own
6) focus on the other parts of your sexual relationship – there is much much more than just intercourse – and when she is ready she will initiate things (sometimes focusing on ‘getting the hang of sex’ can be a turn off – it depends upon the exact relationship that the two of you have)