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What to do When Negative Commentary from Your Past Follows You Into the Bedroom Today
Therapy in Philadelphiawritten by :Heather Davidson, M.A., Ed.M.
What to do when negative commentary from your past follows you into the bedroom today (overcoming poor body image):
It is likely that the commentary you received about your body as a child and adolescent impacts the way you currently view your body. This commentary came from various sources: your parents, siblings, friends, strangers, etc. If you have low self-esteem about your body, or a general lack of self-confidence, it is worth examining how this past commentary about your body impacted you. It is important to explore the discomfort you have about your body because if you're not comfortable with your body, your discomfort could be impacting your sexuality and your ability to be intimate with your partner.
You're going to need a longer dress ...we need to cover up these bulky knees. You probably never thought about your knees. You probably never considered their size or considered that they might be bulky. If you heard comments similar to the one above, these comments probably made you aware of a body part that you never had paid much attention to. As a kid, they were just your knees; the knees that you scrapped when you fell off your bike, the knees that cushioned you as you played in the sand box. But thanks to the commentary of an adult, or perhaps a peer, they became your bulky knees. What did it mean to have bulky knees anyways? You may have started to compare your “deformed” knees to other kids’ knees. You may have begun to notice knees everywhere: at the grocery store, in math class, at the dentist’s office. Regardless of reality, you began to perceive your knees as the bulkiest. And if you heard repeated messages about your “bulky knees” you likely began to feel quite negatively about your knees and tried to hide them under your dresses or pants, as not to repulse passerby’s or scare off other children. What were your “bulky knees” and how did the commentary about this specific body part impact you? Consider the following questions about messages you received from your childhood about a specific body part or parts:
- What body part(s) did you receive negative commentary about as a child? Write down the specific messages.
- Who made this commentary? List everyone you can think of you made comments about a specific body part(s) (family members, friends, teachers, coaches, a stranger).
- How did it feel to hear these messages? How does it feel now to think about these messages?
- Think about the different people who made the comments. Did some of the comments seem more hurtful depending on who they were coming from?
- In what situations were the comments most hurtful?
- How did you emotionally protect yourself from the hurt (embarrassment, self consciousness etc)?
- In what situations were you most able to ignore or brush off the comments?
- In what situations were you unable to let go of the comments?
- Who knew?
- As a child, how did you begin to view your body part or parts that were negatively commented about? How did you feel about your body in general? What actions did you take?
- How did you cope with these comments?
- In what way do you imagine these feelings effect you today?
“Hey Big Knees McGee!”
Not only did you have to cope with fairly drastic and awkward body changes, you likely had peers and family members who commented on these changes. This new set of commentary either on the same body part(s) or new body changes likely influenced you. The messages you received as an adolescent, compounded with negative commentary you received as a child, could still be influencing how you perceive your body today. In thinking about commentary you received in adolescence about your body, consider the same questions as above:
- What body part(s) did you receive negative commentary about during adolescence? Write down the specific messages.
- Who made this commentary? List everyone you can think of you made comments about a specific body part(s) (family members, friends, teachers, coaches, a stranger).
- How did it feel to hear these messages? How does it feel now to think about these messages?
- Think about the different people who made the comments. Did some of the comments seem more hurtful depending on who they were coming from?
- In what situations were the comments most hurtful?
- In what situations were you most able to ignore or brush off the comments?
- What did you do to protect yourself from the feelings that these comments brought up?
- In what ways do you compensate for this issue?
- As an adolescent, how did you begin to view your body part or parts that were negatively commented about? How did you feel about your body in general?
- How did you (and do you) cope with these comments? Were their specific activities, people, places or styles of dress that you avoided? Or did more of?
“You never wear short dresses. I wish you’d wear a dress above your knees…I think it would be sexy.” So there you are, years, perhaps decades later, and those “bulky knees” are still an issue. You realize you are still avoiding, hiding and are overly aware of the specific body part you received negative commentary about as a child or adolescent...and now it is negatively affecting your sex life. Your partner would love to see you in a shorter dress, but you can only imagining the repulse on his face when you come strutting out with your “bulky knees.” You refrain from wearing sexy lingerie because you worry that your knees will overshadow any sex appeal. You constantly turn off the lights to hide your knees when your partner begins to put on the moves. You avoid certain sexual positions because you do not want your partner to be looking at your knees. Here are some tips to help you confront how the negative commentary you received is now impacting your body image and sex life:
Talk to your partner Talk to your partner about the body part(s) you are uncomfortable with or self-conscious about. Your partner may be surprised to hear your concerns. Once your partner is aware of your insecurity, your partner will have an easier time becoming a source of encouragement by making statements like I know you're worried about your knees, but I am not! I love your legs, including your knees, and I want to see you in this short dress. By sharing with your partner you might also discover he/she has a body part that he/she is self-conscious of or worried about. It may surprise you that your partner his or her own bulky knees, especially if you happen to like the specific body part that he/she is concerned about.
Experiment. Do the exact thing you are avoiding doing. In the example above, the woman who believes she has bulky knees could buy a short dress and wear it for her partner. If this is too unnerving, start out wearing the short dress around the house when you are alone. Later try to wear the dress for your partner when he/she comes home. Even if your partner is not in the mood, your partner should be impressed by your new courage and should at least humor you. Next, let your partner pick a piece of lingerie for you to wear (one that you would normally reject due to your fear about your whatever specific body part you are worried about). Wear it for your partner. Keep the lights on or at least light some candles!
Realistically Compare Do not compare yourself to models in magazines, on billboards, etc. They are not real; they are airbrushed. When at work, out at dinner, or just out running errands compare your dreaded body part to that of others. You may begin to realize your bulky knees for instance are not that bulky after all. This exercise can also help you realize the natural variation of the body part you are worried about. You may begin to realize that everyone has differently shaped knees and little imperfections.
Do Your Bulky Knees Really Matter? Seriously consider if it really matters that you have bulky knees. You have many other body parts, plus a personality! Your partner does not see you as a set of knees! Your partner sees you as the package deal. Remember, your partner is not dating or married to your knees...they're dating or are married to YOU. Why are you letting one body part trump your entire self-image? It is worth thinking about being in a relationship with someone who only focused on one aspect of them. Would you want to be with someone who saw himself or herself as just a crooked smile?
Question How Realistic Your Thoughts Are. The next time a thought like, “I have the ugliest knees,” or “My knees are enormous” question how realistic your thoughts are. Replace your exaggerated thoughts about your knees with more realistic statements such as “My knees just a bit larger than average,” or “My knees are really not that bad!”
Refocus. Instead of putting all of your energies into focusing on your bulky knees, focus on the parts of your body that you like. The next time a negative thought pops into your head about the specific body part that you do not like, refocus your thoughts on the positives about your body. For instance if the following thought pops into you’re head, “My bulky knees are so ugly!” then make a few positive statements about the features you do like: “But I do have great hair,” “I love my arms,” “Everyone always tells me how nice my smile is.” Ask your partner what they love about your body. Include their feedback into positive statements you make about your body such as, “My partner loves my eyes” or “My partner thinks my legs are sexy”. Repeat this exercise until it becomes a habit.
Be Confident. Even if you feel negatively about some of your body parts, this does not mean you should feel negatively about your entire body. Now that you’re making positive statements about your body (see suggestion above) show your love for these body parts! Remember to ask your partner what they love about your body too. Highlight or show off these aspects of your body to your partner. The confidence you feel about specific parts of your body may help you feel more confident in your body overall. If you feel more confident about your body, you’re more likely to feel more desirable and comfortable with your partner, especially during intimate moments.
Focus On the Function. You may not like the way a certain body part appears, but it certainly does a lot for you! The next time you begin thinking negatively about your “bulky knees” think about their functionality. Think about what you would not be able to do if you did not have your knees. Create a list of all the daily activities your “bulky knees” help you with. When you begin to feel negatively about the appearance of your knees, revisit your list and focus on all of the activities you are able to do because of your knees.
What is the Family Story? Are “bulky knees” a family trait? If so, think about the people in your family who inherited the “bulky knees” trait. Were people with this trait ashamed of this trait or did they accept this trait? It is possible that you could be modeling your attitude towards your “bulky knees” based on your family members attitudes towards that particular trait. If your family members seemed unbothered by their bulky knees, it is worth considering in what ways you could adapt their attitude. Also consider whether the people in your family with “bulky knees” had loving and supportive relationships. If so, it is important to realize that their “bulky knees” did not prevent them from having meaningful and important relationships. Also consider whether the people in your family with “bulky knees were positive or negative people in your life. If they were a negative influence in your life, it is worth thinking about whether your reaction towards your knees is exaggerated because they remind you of a person who you did not like.
While it can be painful to revisit parts of your childhood and adolescence, it is often necessary to understand how the way you have coped with your hurts are still influencing you today, especially when it comes to your ability to be intimate with your partner.Once you better understand how you were hurt by negative commentary about your body part, and what you did to survive that moment in time, the easier it will be for you to better understand how this coping mechanism is helping / hurting you today. Most likely if you are reading this tip, there is a way in which your current beliefs are having a negative impact on your sense of self, and your ability to be intimate with your partner. Use the tips above to help you rediscover the body part you are concerned about and learn to experience this body part in a positive way. Also use these tips to begin to be more comfortable and confident in your body. This comfort and confidence will positively impact the relationship you have with your partner, especially when it comes to being intimate with your partner.
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What to do when negative commentary from your past follows you into the bedroom today
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