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Level of commitment
Are you
insecure about your partner’s level of commitment for you?
Do you
feel like your partner has the upper hand in the relationship? Are madly in love
with her and she is aloof towards you or fallen out of love? Do you wonder why
you are still in this relationship / marriage? Over the course of a long term
relationship / marriage it is normal to have periods where you feel more secure
and insecure about the degree to which your partner is committed to you.
Feelings, along with people change over time. Different situations pull out
different strengths and weaknesses in people. Relationships are not black and
white.
To help
you evaluate the situation, try the following:
- If
you feel like your partner has the upper hand in the relationship take some
time to evaluate the ways in which you have relinquished control in the
relationship. Write down on a piece of paper all the ways in which you give
to your partner. Then each time your partner, says or does something that
makes your feel unappreciated stop doing that particular behavior. However,
if your partner specifically asks you to do something, then go ahead and do
it. This way, any time you do something “nice” your partner has to take a
few moments to recognize and appreciated the ways in which you go out of
your way for them. For example, if you are always the one to make meals,
and you feel like your partner does not acknowledge the work that you do.
Stop volunteering to cook for him. This way, if he is hungry he will either
need to cook food for himself, or ask you to do it for him. If he asks, then
almost by default he is forced into a position of needing to acknowledge
your work.
- If
you feel like you are fighting with your partner about space try meeting
your partner’s demands and experience what that feels like. What are the
benefits of your partner’s sense of space (e.g. time spent together as a
couple)? What are the weaknesses? For example, some people feel like their
partners should come before all friends, other people feel like healthy
relationships require each person to have friendships outside the marriage.
- Ask
your partner what she gets out of this relationship? How does this
relationship make her a better person? What about this relationship keeps
her in it? What would she loose if she left? When did she decide that she
was committed to the relationship? When does she feel most / least committed
to this relationship? What makes her think that this relationship is worth
saving? What is the glue that holds the two of you together (e.g. money,
children, family, or friends)? Then share with her your answers. How are the
answers similar / different?
Please
note, frequently, in a long term relationship or marriage, the balance of power
ebbs and flows between two people. Relationships are fluid and people grow and
change with time.
Written by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW
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