Just Because I’m Having An Orgasm, Doesn’t Mean I’m Having Fun.
Are you one of those people that orgasm every time you get aroused, or almost every time? Have you ever shared a sexual experience with someone close to you then got the response, “well did you orgasm?” Then had the thought, “so what if I orgasm?” “Is that all there is to sex?” If you’re in the category (which includes both men and women) of those who can get off at the drop of a hat, you’re probably thinking this. So many of us are groomed to think that orgasm is the ultimate goal of sex. Why can’t the ultimate goal be just to have fun or to enjoy being with one another? Think about your last sexual experience, what did you like about it? Sure, reaching orgasm was probably enjoyable; but did you like the same monotonous position for the entire 10 minutes prior to the orgasm as well? Let’s spice up your sexual experience with or without the orgasm!
For some, our partners just don’t try that hard because they know they don’t have to. You orgasm every time or almost every time, regardless of what your partner or you really do. Despite the idea that you most likely are going to have an orgasm each time, doesn’t take away from the aspect of your partner(s) really putting in the time and effort to get you there. You want to get just as much enjoyment out of the experience as they are!
For others, our partners may be goal oriented (orgasm focused) and know the exact position it takes to get you there. Sure there are those occasional anniversaries, birthdays, and even holidays where you change things up; but for the most part you have a routine. You and your partner do the same positions for about the same amount of time until climax is reached, which for you comes fairly easily. The problem with this, though you’ve reached orgasm, is that it leaves you wanting more! More vavavoom, if you will. Maybe you want to bring fantasy play into it, maybe you just want to try that other position that you felt more connected to your partner, maybe you want to try something that brings you out of your comfort zone; whatever it is, you want more! Have you ever tried a different way and found you really liked it but maybe it took longer to orgasm or you didn’t actually orgasm from that position? If you didn’t give the proper cues (verbal and nonverbal) to your partner that “hey, I like this,” chances are they don’t do it very often.
Communication is key. The idea that you’re not having an orgasm from a particular activity whether it be physical touch or even talking or seeing something may still be enjoyable to you and can increase your sexual experience overall. How are you letting your partner know that “this feels good” or “oh, he looks sexy when he does that” despite the possibility that you won’t necessarily reach orgasm from it. Nonverbals are just as important as verbals. Arching your back or moaning can give your partner signs that you are enjoying what they are doing. Using actual words either during sex or after sex to say what positions or activities you enjoyed can also be helpful.
Exploration can also be useful in figuring out what you enjoy, even if it won’t bring you to orgasm, so that you may share this with your partner. How can you explore? Watch videos or read stories, do any of the activities in them excite you more than others? What have your friends told you that they enjoy? Is there something you’ve done before and liked it but it hasn’t come back into your sexual experiences lately?
Monotony can be your answer as well. What are those moves that you do every time? Does he touch you there; do you like it when she rubs there? Take those touches, that kissing, pinching, blowing… and spice it up! If you only kiss from the neck up, take it down south. If you touch softly, try it hard. Take what you know you like or what already works and add to it or change it slightly. This can be especially good if you’re somewhat timid about changing your sexual experiences. It will help you to ease into the change.
There is also the idea of taking the orgasm off the table. Talk with your partner and let them know that orgasm isn’t your ultimate goal for your next sexual experience. Instead, let them know that you want to feel them, hear them, look at them and you would like them to do the same. Explore one another’s bodies and cue yourselves into what feels good and maybe what doesn’t feel good. Making sure you try some of the same activities and maybe some new activities. This will not only increase your sexual intimacy, but also your emotional intimacy.