SEX THERAPY IN PHILADELPHIA

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How to Share Sexual Fantasies with a Lover

Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching in Philadelphia

written by staff from the Center for Growth

How to share Fantasies with your partner: I’m in Italy for the first time and I meet a man in his forties named Giuseppe. He’s got beautiful salt and pepper hair and a well chiseled face. He drives a classic Alfa Romeo and is wearing a black cashmere coat with matching scarf. With a thick accent, he asks me to join him for an evening tour of the area. As we drive through the area in his convertible, he stops at a small cottage in the middle of a vineyard. When we step in the room it is adorned with fresh flowers and candles. Before I can turn to thank him, he has pulled me to closer to him where I can smell his very essence. Italy is about to become my favorite vacation.

Some fantasies are simply that. They are a manifestation of a hope that may or may not ever come to pass. Fantasies help us to realize as people that we have active imaginations. In relationships, fantasies are helpful in keeping the spice alive. Typically, this occurs because fantasies are derived from our imaginations. They are thoughts that arouse, entice and intrigue us sexually and it can be beneficial in rekindling the flames of our partners if we share these thoughts. It is important to note that in the expression of these thoughts, one must take care in how and when it gets shared. This is due to the fact that our fantasies are our private thoughts. Our partners may or may not be aware of our interests, they may not even understand our interests so in introducing our fantasies we have to be cognizant of this. So, here are some suggestions for how to share sexual fantasies with your partner:

  • Watch a movie together and discuss which scenes are arousing. Often times in a relationship, people find different scenarios or positions arousing or stimulating. And sometimes we fear whether our partner is going to share the same sexual interest or find it weird. Watching a film together and discussing the scenes can be a non-threatening way to address or express our interests. Some common conversation starters in this situation may be “That looks kind of interesting, what are your thoughts about that?” or “Sex can be so interesting and versatile for people, would you be interested in trying something like that or would you like to try something else?”
  • Discuss whether this a fantasy that literally needs to be acted out or whether its symbolic of something else being sought out. In reality most people have fantasies that they have no interest or desire to act out. They are ideas or thoughts that may turn them on for masturbatory purposes, but don’t necessarily indicate a need to come to fruition. Though fantasies exist within this realm that doesn’t mean the thoughts can’t be shared with your partner to give them an idea of some of the sexual thoughts being had. In having the discussion it could be determined that what is truly being sought out sexually is completely different.
  • Ask about your partners sexual fantasies. Even the playing field of the discussion by asking what your partner is interested in or what their sexual fantasies include. Though these conversations can make a person feel vulnerable, they can also build a great deal of intimacy within a relationship. A dialogue can occur about your fantasies and theirs. This sort of dialogue can be a positive contributor to helping to improve your sexual communication and interactions with one another.
  • Understand that your fantasy may not be well received. Another possible reality that has to be understood is that after all of the positive and open communication about fantasies occur, your partner may not be open to hearing or engaging in your fantasy. If this occurs, it can be another opportunity for sexual communication or you can make the decision to accept their decision and move on. If you want to further your communication about their resistance, some possible questions to ask could be “What, if anything, offends you about this fantasy?” or “Is there anything about this that could be manipulated to make this a more inviting fantasy for you too?”

As you embark upon creating a dialogue with your partner about sexual fantasies, remember to take your time in introducing it. Be open to the experience that may await you. As you reveal your personal thoughts, desires and fantasies, remember to check in with your partner. What are his or her thoughts? Needs? Desires? Fears? Concerns? In other words, what is his or her perspective? What does the concept of sexual fantasies, never mind your having revealed a sexual fantasy to him or her conjures up for him or her? Regardless of you how your partner receives the information, take a moment and congratulate yourself. You took a risk and shared something personal. Sharing something personal fosters intimacy.

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Founder of Sex Therapy
in Philadelphia

"Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS,
ACSW, LCSW

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