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Getting more
out of sex . . .
Do you get
nothing out of sex? Do you feel like you must be missing
something? If so, then this tip is just for you. The purpose of the tip is to
help you become more in touch with your body, specifically to increase your
sexual-self-awareness.
Take a half hour and try to identify
what turns you on & off. Specifically, try to identify at least one turn on and
one turn off for each of the 5 senses (smell, touch, visual, auditory, and
taste). And, add one more - emotions.
The purpose of adding emotions as
another category is that it will help you separate your senses from your
thoughts. Mixing the two sometimes leads to sexual problems. For example, people
who ‘get nothing out of sex’ live in their mind and not in their body. This
exercise is about fine tuning your senses and leaving the thoughts behind.
To help you brainstorm, common answers
have been included. In addition to stating the turn-ons and offs, we have
included the thought process behind each answer. For the purposes of this
exercise, all you need to do is identify what turns you on (or off). The
understanding behind it, while useful, is not necessary. The rationales only
become important in the advanced level of this exercise.
Smells – turn ons
- The smell of certain colognes makes
me feel turned on.
- The smell of alcohol. It makes me
feel relaxed.
- The smell right after a good
rainstorm. It makes everything feel cleaner and fresher.
- The smell of sex is a turn on. It
makes me think that I am going to get laid too!
- Underarm smell. The dirtier the
better. I feel like I am a loser. So when I am with someone who has smelly
armpits, I feel like I can relate to this person and then I can really lose
myself in sex.
Smells – turn offs
- The smell of certain colognes is a
huge turn off. I can barely stand next to the person, let alone lay naked
next to them. This person needs to take a serious shower.
- The smell of sex makes me want to
gag. I can only tolerate sex when the window is open and the sheets are
clean.
- The smell of dirty armpits is
disgusting and I could never imagine being with someone who has poor
hygiene.
Visuals – turn ons
- Seeing my boyfriend/girlfriend step
out of the shower with just a towel on is very erotic.
- Watching porn turns me on.
- Seeing a good looking person makes
me look and fantasize about sex.
- Watching someone lift weights makes
me think about what he/she must be like in bed.
- Having a partner do a strip tease
makes me feel giddy.
- Knowing that someone shaved their
genitals for me is a huge turn on. Not only does it look clean and young
adolescent like, but there are no hairs to get in the way!
- Big butts are a turn on because it
makes me think that there is a lot to grab onto.
- Tall people make me feel petite and
thus sexy.
- Beautiful people make me feel
beautiful too.
Visuals – turn offs
- Someone who is too skinny makes me
feel like I am going to break them.
- People who do not take care of
their bodies. Makes me feel like they do not like themselves and thus nor
should I. For other people it makes them feel ugly too.
- Beautiful people make me feel ugly
and unworthy.
- Watching porn seems degrading and I
sexually shut down.
- Ugly people. It’s hard to imagine
having sex with them
Auditory – turn ons
- Fast music makes me want to have
fast hard sex.
- Romantic music makes me melt in my
partners arms
- Listening to my partners’ heartbeat
is very soothing and arousing. I feel particularly close.
- Hearing my partner moan makes me
feel very sexy. When I feel like I am dong something right, I want to keep
going and do more. I like the feeling of being in control.
- Hearing other people through the
walls is a turn on. I love the idea that someone could walk in on us, or
better yet hear us.
Auditory – turn offs
- Music distracts me
- Hearing my partner moan is
embarrassing. He reminds me of a monkey and I feel like running away.
- Hearing people through the walls
makes me feel like someone could walk in on us, and I would die from
embarrassment. When I hear other people, I shut down. The last thing I want
to do is be sexual.
Taste – turn ons
- Chocolate makes me feel aroused. I
love using food in the bedroom.
- The taste of clean sweat from the
gym, meaning when my partner comes back after a hard workout.
- The taste of cum.
Taste – turn offs
-
The taste of sweat
-
Dirty tasting people
-
The
taste of cum after someone eats asparagus
-
Anything that makes my mouth burn
-
Yummy foods. I’d rather be eating
than having sex!
Emotions – turn on
- When I feel safe, I am more
comfortable sexually experimenting, which makes me feel sexually alive.
- When I am in love, I want to touch
the other person and be close.
- When I am infatuated with the
person, and know that it is a temporary relationship.
- When the person only wants a fling
with me, I tend to trick myself into believing that if I make the sex
exciting enough, she/he would never leave me
- Right after a fight, all I want to
do is have sex. It makes me feel like things will get better.
Emotions – turn offs
- Fighting makes me turned off.
- Feeling too safe makes me feel like
I am with a sibling as opposed to a lover.
- When I do not know a person. I can
only imagine being intimate with someone that I have been with for a long
time.
For
the advanced couple: After each person has completed the
above exercise, hand your partner your answer sheet. Without looking at his or
her answer sheet, answer the following questions about how you think your
partner responded to the questions.
- Which of the 5 senses were the
biggest turn ons?
- Which of the 5 senses were the
biggest turn offs?
- Can you name one thing within each
category that turns your partner on or off?
- Now, share with your partner
whether his or her guesses are accurate or false. Explain your answers and
your reasoning to her / him.
- The person doing the guessing
should then take a few minutes and ask some follow up questions about the
turn ons and turn offs.
- Rate your level of accuracy. If
you guessed your partner’s answers 100% congratulations. Chances are the two
of you have good communication skills. If you missed at least 25% of the
answers to the questions, you need to ask yourself, what has prevented you
from becoming candid with him or her about your trials and tribulations.
Who do you let into your world and why?
- Lastly, summarize your partners’
likes and dislikes.
- Create an imaginary date, and
discuss with your partner ways to use your newly discovered turn ons / turn
offs to enhance and add spice and excitement to your next sexual
experience.
Hint: The purpose of
fully sharing with your partner is not simply to hear yourself talk. The real
goal is to teach your partner more about you and your sexuality. Give him or
her the full rationale. By teaching your partner about your likes and dislikes,
your partner will become a better lover to you! She / he will know exactly what
to do to make you want him / her. Written by Jennifer L. Foust, M.S., LPC
Another
approach to mindful sex ....
or what about seduction . . .
Putting passion back
into your relationship
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